Act I: Let's Have Lunch
 JOE:
 Hi there, Myron
 MYRON:
 How's it hanging?
 JOE:
 I've got a date with Sheldrake
 MYRON:
 I'm shooting a Western down at Fox
 JOE:
 How can you work with Darryl?
 MYRON:
 We should talk
 JOE:
 Gotta run
 BOTH:
 Let's have lunch
 MARY:
 Hi, Mr. Gillis
 JOE:
 You look great!
 MARY:
 I'm up for an audition
 JOE:
 Sheldrake is driving me insane
 MARY:
 Don't forget me when you're casting
 JOE:
 We should talk
 MARY:
 Gotta run
 BOTH:
 Let's have lunch
 JOE:
 Morning, Joanna
 MARY:
 Hi, there Myron
 JOANNA:
 Who are you meeting?
 MYRON:
 You look great
 JOE:
 Sheldrake, but do I need it
 MARY:
 I've spent the last month fasting
 JOANNA:
 I'm handing in my second draft
 MYRON:
 I'm shooting a Western down at Fox
 JOE:
 I'd really love to read it
 MARY:
 Don't forget me when you're casting
 JOANNA:
 We should talk
 MYRON:
 We should talk
 JOE:
 Gotta run
 MARY:
 Gotta run
 ALL FOUR:
 Let's have lunch
 JOE (spoken):
 Yeah, I had an appointment with Mr. Sheldrake
 JONES (spoken):
 Name?
 JOE (spoken):
 Gillis. Joseph Gillis
 JONES (spoken):
 All right, sir, you know your way?
 JOE (spoken):
 Yeah
 FIRST FINANCEMAN:
 We want the keys to your car
 SECOND FINANCEMAN:
 You're way behind with the payments
 FIRST FINANCEMAN:
 Don't give us any fancy footwork
 SECOND FINANCEMAN:
 Give us the keys
 JOE:
 I only wish I could help
 I loaned it to my accountant
 He has an important client down in Palm Springs
 Felt like shooting the breeze
 FIRST FINANCEMAN:
 Are you telling us you walked here?
 JOE:
 I believe in self-denial
 I'm in training for the priesthood
 SECOND FINANCEMAN:
 OK, wise guy, three hundred bucks
 FIRST FINANCEMAN:
 Or we're taking the car
 SECOND FINANCEMAN:
 We have a court order
 JOE (spoken):
 I love it when you talk dirty
 SAMMY:
 Bless you, Joseph
 JOE:
 That you, Sammy?
 SAMMY:
 How do you like my harem?
 JOE:
 How come you get such lousy breaks?
 SAMMY:
 One learns to grin and bear 'em
 GIRLS:
 This is the biggest film ever made
 JOE:
 What're you playing?
 ANITA:
 Temple virgin
 DAWN:
 Handmaiden to Delilah
 JOE:
 Let's have lunch
 Gotta run
 You've got to find me a job
 I'm way behind with my payments
 I thought you were meant to be my agent
 I need some work
 MORINO:
 I only wish I could help
 This town is dead at the moment
 There's been this slowdown in production
 JOE (spoken):
 Who is this jerk?
 MORINO:
 He's my wunderkind from Broadway
 Every major studio wants him
 YOUNGER MAN:
 Playing one against the other
 JOE:
 What I need is three hundred bucks
 MORINO (spoken):
 Maybe what you need is a new agent
 JOE:
 Hello, Artie
 ARTIE:
 Joe, you bastard!
 JOE:
 You never call me any more
 ARTIE:
 Found a cuter dancing partner
 How are things?
 JOE:
 Not so great
 ARTIE:
 Will this help?
 Twenty bucks?
 JOE (spoken):
 Thanks, you're a pal
 ALL (spoken):
 Good morning, Mr. DeMille
 Hi Mr. DeMille
 SHELDRAKE:
 This is Sheldrake
 Bring some water
 Get me that ****head Nolan
 Nolan, sweetheart
 Great to talk
 This draft is so much brighter
 You're the best
 Even so
 I've hired another writer
 SECRETARY (spoken):
 Mr. Gillis
 SHELDRAKE:
 Joe! What the **** brings you here?
 JOE (spoken):
 You wanted to see me
 SHELDRAKE (spoken):
 I did? What about?
 JOE (spoken):
 "Bases Loaded." It's an outline for a baseball picture
 SHELDRAKE (spoken):
 So, pitch
 JOE (spoken):
 It's about a rookie shortstop. He's batting .347. The kid was once mixed up in a holdup. Now he's trying to go straight
 SHELDRAKE  (spoken):
 Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I think I have read this. Somebody, bring in what we've got on...
 JOE (spoken):
 "Bases Loaded."
 SHELDRAKE  (spoken):
 ..."Bases Loaded."
 JOE (spoken):
 They're pretty hot for it over at Twentieth
 SHELDRAKE  (spoken):
 Good!
 JOE (spoken):
 But can you see Ty Power as a shortstop?
 ENSEMBLE:
 Let's have lunch
 BETTY (spoken)
 Here's that "Bases Loaded" material, Mr. Sheldrake
 I made a two-page synopsis for you,
 but I wouldn't bother to read it
 SHELDRAKE (spoken):
 Why not?
 BETTY (spoken):
 It's just a rehash of something
 that wasn't very good to begin with
 SHELDRAKE (spoken):
 Meet Mr. Gillis. He wrote it
 ENSEMBLE:
 We should talk
 SHELDRAKE
 (spoken)
 This is Miss Kramer
 BETTY (spoken)
 Schaefer. Betty Schaefer.
 And right now,
 I'd like to crawl into a hole and pull it in after me
 JOE (spoken)
 If I could be of any help...
 BETTY (spoken)
 I'm sorry, Mr. Gillis, I couldn't see the point of it
 JOE (spoken)
 What sort of material do you suggest?
 James Joyce? Dostoyevsky?
 BETTY (spoken)
 I think pictures should at least try to say a little something
 JOE (spoken)
 I see you're one of the message kids
 I expect you'd have turned down "Gone With the Wind"
 SHELDRAKE (spoken)
 No, that was me
 ENSEMBLE:
 Gotta run
 BETTY (spoken):
 And I guess I was disappointed
 I've read some of your other work
 and I thought you had some real talent
 JOE (spoken):
 Yeah, that was last year. This year I felt like eating
 BETTY (spoken):
 Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Gillis
 SHELDRAKE (spoken):
 Thank you, Miss Kramer
 Well, looks like Zanuck's got himself a baseball picture
 ENSEMBLE:
 We should talk
 Gotta run
 Let's have lunch
 JOE:
 You've got to give me some work
 I'll take whatever's on offer
 There must be some **** that needs a rewrite
 Throw it my way
 SHELDRAKE:
 I only wish I could help
 There's no spare shit at the moment
 Remember the greatest writers starved in garretts
 Didn't care about pay
 JOE:
 Are you trying to be funny?
 SHELDRAKE:
 I believe in self-denial
 Gives a man some moral backbone
 JOE:
 Can you loan me three hundred bucks?
 SHELDRAKE:
 I'm sorry, Gillis. Good-bye
 JOE:
 I just love Hollywood
 CROWD (MYRON, CLIFF, SAMMY, MORINO, KATHERINE, LIZ, MARY, JOANNA, DAWN, ARTIE, JOHN, ANITA, ADAM, LISA) :
 Morning, Joanna / Where've you been hiding? / Hi there, Lisa
 I hate this weather / You look great / What're you doing?
 This is the biggest film ever made / I'm trying to make my mind up
 Guess I was born to play her/ They're talking nominations
 What is my motivation? / You should go work for Warners / Is your new script with Sheldrake?
 We shoot next month / Let's drive to Vegas this weekend
 I'm handing in my second draft / It's between me and Dietrich
 I'd really love to read it / I'd know just how to light you
 It won't work / I've landed a big Broadway show/ I'd know just how to light you
 We should talk
 Gotta run
 Let's have lunch!
 Hi, good morning
 Aren't we lucky?
 Going to work with Cukor
 Paramount is paradise
 Movies from A to Zukor
 We should talk, gotta run
 Let's have lunch
 We should talk
 Gotta run
 Let's have lunch!
 JOE(spoken, to BETTY):
 Come to get your knife back?
 It's still right there,
 Right between my shoulder blades